My "Fearful" Confession

*you might need a cup of coffee for this one, because it's more intense than my normal blog posts*

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Dear Blogging World, 

I have a confession to make. 

This is something that has been on my mind for awhile. 

I had originally scheduled another edition of moments & details for today's post, but this is something I needed to get out.

Okay, here it is.

I am afraid.

Sincerely,

A Young Woman

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Let me explain. Lately in my city, there has been a bit too much criminal activity going on for my comfort. There have been abductions {knife-point}, robberies, assaults, and break-ins. I think the scary part was the fact that some of these incidents happened to young women who just happened to be alone out in public. This results in the "I am afraid" mindset.

Now, I have lived in this city for almost three years {February 15th}. I have walked home at night in the past. I have been alone at certain times of the day in public. I have done things that some would label "unsafe". However, IT NEVER HAS BEEN! I have never felt unsafe or been anywhere near somewhere that has made me feel so. So why this all of sudden urge to hire bodyguards?

I don't know. But it bothers me because it is extending into my social media side of life. I have already deleted the majority of pictures on my personal Facebook page. I have set my account to the highest possible privacy settings. I have even debating changing my name {let's be honest, Silver is quite easier to search and find}. Then I think about my blog. About all the pictures. All the details. All the information. Blogging is a very important part of my life. So where do I go with this fear?

I do bring it to the Lord. I do. But I also know I have a brain and insight. Am I not being smart with my use of social media? Am I too public with my personal life? How can I answer this? I see blogs with thousands of followers and these wonderful and inspiring women post pictures of themselves, their neighbourhoods, their children, their life events. Do they ever feel afraid? I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

I don't have the answer. I just have the mindset. I don't have the steps I'm going to take. All I know there is a fear there that has never been there before . . .

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No. 228 - The Big Questions

Disclaimer: This is not a usual light & fluffy post.

Two things happened this weekend:

1. Close friends of mine got married.
2. Close friends of mine lost their father.

It put a new meaning to the word "bittersweet". Needless to say, I have spent a lot of time chatting with the Lord about these two things. Here are the things that I've thought about and discovered.

Let's start with marriage. Marriage is an outward commitment of love. It is not only entering into a covenant with each other, but it is entering into a covenant with God and before family and friends. Now, love is not a human thing. It is not a human norm (human nature=selfishness). To go to the extreme, true love is impossible to achieve. However despite our inabilities to come even close to unconditional love, our Lord has given us numerous chances to try (and mess up). Marriage is one of those chances. He puts us into the closest relationship known to man and helps and guides us to love each other. Why? Well, this blog entry is called questions not answers. So my conclusion to marriage and love is, I will be praying for my two friends who started their journey to love unconditionally.

Alright, now the tough one . . . death. Humanity has tried to explain death since . . . forever. It is unexplainable. It is confusing. It has no pattern or reason. However, one thing I can reason. The reason for the sadness and mourning after death is the loss of a loved one. I don't cry for Mr. R. I cry for his family. I cry because they have just entered into a commitment to continue on in life without the support and presence of their father. Why do they have to continue on? My conclusion is that I will be praying for my friends who started their journey to love without their loved one. 

I wish I had a neat conclusion to wrap up my questions, but I don't.

I can only pray.

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No. 156 - Frustration

Normally, my blog is happy or meaningful, and I am perfectly fine with that. Today, not so much. Today, I am frustrated. Let me explain. In school, we have these 20-question nursing quizzes every week on the weekly topics. In order to be successful at these quizzes, I usually spend the majority of my weekend researching/studying for them. Normally, that amount of effort for that small of a quiz would be more than enough, but you see, here's the thing about nursing quizzes/exams. More than one answer (it's multiple-choice) is correct. So it is a "pick-the-best-option" scenario. Now, I don't know where my hang-up is. Maybe, I don't excel very well in the exam setting. Or maybe my critical thinking is just really underdeveloped. Either way, this week's ferocious effort resulted in a whopping C+. Boo. So my frustration lies in the fact that despite all the effort, I still cannot figure out how to be successful at these dang quizzes!

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No. 150 - Feelings

Yesterday, I had an epiphany about feelings. Wanna hear it? Okay, here it is.

Feelings are not reliable. 

I know it's not earth-shattering, but I think I needed to remind myself of this truth. For example, I never feel like getting out of bed at 6 am to go to the gym, but that does not mean it isn't good for me. On the other hand, I feel like spending the night on the couch watching TV when I have another two hours of homework to complete. We go deeper with this concept when it comes to God. Often, I don't feel His presence. Does that make me a bad Christian? Am I doing something wrong? Now, don't get me wrong, I believe there is a difference between your "gut feeling" and just "emotional feeling". Your gut feeling (or conscience) will let you know if your relationship with God is in trouble, but as for those emotional feelings,
they aren't as reliable. 

As for my picture, we often hide our logic behind our feelings,
but I believe it is supposed to be the other way around. 

(P.S. The lighting and effects in this picture were by accident, but I happened to like it.)

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No. 124 - Those Days

I've had a few of "those days". You know.

Glad it's the beginning of a new week.

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Night 2

Still no relief . . . numerous thoughts

Wandering

Lots

on

my mind 

tonight...